Date: 2010-05-24 00:58 Subject: Text to Torque Security: Public

Sent at 8:45PM

I need a drink, wanna come?

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Date: 2010-05-24 00:31 Subject: [private - written in remy's journal] 07/14/09 - 8PM Security: Public

What the fuck is it about this town?

I've had three different [notable] interactions with guys and each one was awkward as shit. One nearly ended horribly, with me saying a few choice words and feeling horrible. The second was my goddamn boss (Good one there, Rem). The third a cute Earth Elemental with an adorable Familiar. Of course I pushed him away. I always do, this isn't surprising. It just... it nearly felt different there for a minute. Different is scary though, so I stopped answering his calls and avoided him.

So now I feel like a bitch. Oh wait. I am. God, what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't seem to have a normal functioning relationship with a guy? This needs to stop. I hate feeling like this, I hate that I hurt him. I hate that I hurt me.

All this leads me to one thing; I need a drink.

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Date: 2009-10-12 23:06 Subject: [private - scrawled drunkely in remy's journal] 06/17/09 - 3AM Security: Public Mood: depressed

I think I've gotten so good at pretending to be happy, I've finally fooled myself into it. There are moments, where I can't remember why I'm holding back or why I'm so sad. And then there are these blinding moments of complete clarity and I can feel the debilitating guilt and pain, stronger than just thinking about or being reminded of Teeny. This is the magnitude of what I've done to him and myself.

And it fucking hurts, like someone decided to pull my ribcage from my body.

All I want to do is cry but I can't and it's fucking frustrating. To want-- to need to cry but not being able to. I can feel the pressure of my sadness behind my chest, pushing to get out. But it can't. The emotional walls I've built are too strong for something like that. The only I time I cry is when I dream about Renard and usually just a few tears. I haven't cried since I left him. Seven years.

I'm surprised I haven't gone insane yet.

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Date: 2009-08-02 22:32 Subject: Awards! Security: Public Tags: #ooc, awards

( click for shinies! )

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Date: 2008-08-14 00:42 Subject: He's unresponsive because you're irresponsible Security: Public Tags: bio

( These happy endings are just illusions... )

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